Dear Reader,

Like I mentioned in my personal update, we left the USA at the end of October. As expected, saying goodbye to my friends was hard and tearful. Most of them said, “who knows, you might be leaving at the right time.” I clearly did not have my finger on the pulse, because I thought for sure the Democrats were going to win.

Now, writing from Germany, where the moderate government coalition has recently disbanded and new elections are on the horizon, where the right-wing party has recently gained leading majority in a few areas, I am worried about the direction these conservative values and policies are going to take us individually, as well as globally.

Apparently, my liberal perspective on relationships and my inclusive approach to community don’t reflect the majority’s position. The progress I’ve longed for in terms of personal freedoms and collective equanimity will take a while longer. For the first time it hit me: I may not even see it in my lifetime.

Scorched Earth vs Doormat is a False Choice

In my head, opinions on how politics and society should work are very clear, but it gets rather more complicated when I’m actually face to face with someone who is convinced of the opposite. Both in my private life, where I may not be ready to let go of certain relationships yet, and also in my work as a relationship coach.

My social media feed is full of people encouraging decisive ultimatums. If you and your partner have voted for the opposing candidates, “you have to break up”, they say. Either because the fundamental differences in world view simply cannot be bridged, or because they’re clearly stupid/brain-washed for having voted the way they did. “Don’t even bother trying to argue with them”, “they won’t listen anyway”, and “you can forget about having a family holiday season together”, they say.

I can see the appeal. Generally speaking, our brains like black-and-white thinking because it’s quick and easy and doesn’t use up any fuel. In fact, I think the decisive Sensing-Judging (SJ) rhetoric of the Republican Party has done a lot of heavy lifting in making voters feel like they’re doing the right thing. Although the Republican speakers told a lot of factual lies, they did so with great conviction, and SJ language speaks to concrete realistic points.

Democrats tend to use more Intuiting-Feeling or Intuiting-Thinking (NF/NT) language, which is more nuanced and speaks more to concepts, potentials, and ideals. It appeals to those of us who understand that things (and people) aren’t black and white, that change isn’t fast or straightforward, that there’s inherent uncertainty in everything. Unfortunately, estimates suggest that over 65% of the population has Sensing preferences, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they cannot connect to Intuitive language. Verbal uncertainty activates their nervous systems to seek safety. It's a knee-jerk automatic reaction that sadly often leads to buyer's remorse.

So today, coming from my own NF mind, I want to invite you to breathe and explore that inherent uncertainty about how to move forward with your partners or family members within the safety of a therapist or coach’s office, before making any rash decisions, no matter how good and righteous they might feel in the moment.

It doesn’t mean you have to change your values and agree with your partner or family member or friend.

It doesn’t mean you don’t get to feel what you feel.

It doesn’t even mean it’s going to work out as you might wish.

Just as I’m writing this, news is coming in about individuals the president elect is appointing to his various cabinets and I want to vomit. Fine! Ok! Holding space for all of it! Maybe rationality isn’t the correct response in the face of utter madness, and maybe your brain isn’t governed by that harmony-seeking extraverted Feeling like mine is. But we have a saying in German that loosely translates to “nothing is eaten as hot as it is cooked” (wird alles nicht so heiss gegessen wie’s gekocht wird), and the optimist in me is lighting a wee candle here to say, all may not be lost just yet. Let's hang in here together for a bit longer.

Let me end on this: These are absolutely shockingly horrifically divisive times, and my practice will continue to be here for you. If you need someone to hold space for your pain and grief, book a free curiosity convo here: https://www.dorisfullgrabe.com/offer.

If you need support to figure out what works best for you in your relationships, process how things are now (in your life, in your relationships), clarify how you want them to be, and expand your perspectives to find options how to get you closer to that goal, book a free curiosity convo here https://www.dorisfullgrabe.com/offer.

I would love to help you unravel all the knots - with the very realistic understanding that some things may not have a compromise, let alone a solution. In that case, the work becomes how to stay sane and in alignment with yourself, connected to others as best as possible, or how to part ways (amicably or full scorched earth, whichever you decide to go for).

Know that you don’t have to do any of it by yourself.

Sending hugs, and working on some tips for embodied practices I will send out soon.

Take care of yourself. Dx

Cheers,

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