Dear Doris,

I knew having a baby would change my body, my sleep, my priorities - but I wasn’t prepared for how it would kill my sex drive. It's been 8 months and I'm still not feeling desire in any way! I love my partner, but by the time the baby is finally asleep, the last thing I want is to be touched. I really miss sex, but my body doesn’t seem to cooperate, and I worry my partner thinks I don’t care anymore. How do I get my desire back when I barely recognize myself these days?

Frustrated Mama

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Dear Frustrated Mama,

There is nothing wrong with you, and what you're experiencing is absolutely normal. Let's start there.

Postpartum sexual well-being is a complex issue that is affected by both physical, emotional, and relational factors. From what you described, the physical aspects seem to be your greatest concern right now, as your "body doesn't cooperate" and you "barely recognize" yourself.

To put your mind at ease about timing, a 2020 research paper found that new parents generally report lower sexual well-being, with 39-59% of mothers experiencing clinically low sexual desire, and 47-57% reporting significant sexual distress up to 12 months postpartum (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32943374/).

The same and other papers argue that healthcare providers should address postpartum sexuality during routine care, offering education and support to help new parents develop realistic expectations. So next time you see your ob gyn, be sure to mention your concerns.

In other words, right now, your body isn’t betraying you, it’s protecting you.

When every ounce of you is devoted to keeping your tiny human alive, it's actually efficient for erotic energy to be less accessible.

Esther Perel says, “Desire needs freedom to roam. It needs space to play.” But right now, space is a luxury you don’t have. Many mamas report being all touched out with tiny hands constantly grabbing at you. Add to that the additional stressors of worrying about your partner and whether your libido will ever come back, it's no wonder that by the time the day is over, the idea of more touching puts you right off.

Martha Kauppi, a therapist specializing in desire discrepancies, explains that libido isn’t just about attraction, it’s about context. Your body is responding exactly as it should to exhaustion, stress, overstimulation, and lack of personal space. It’s shutting down desire because your nervous system is prioritizing survival.

As I mentioned before, arousal lives in the parasympathetic nervous system that also manages rest and relaxation. When you're busy keeping another human alive all day, your sympathetic (anxious, fight flight freeze) system is running the show, leaving you feeling exhausted. So once parasympathetic kicks in, rest and relaxation is all it can muster.

What does that mean for you?

Since you mentioned you miss sex and would love to feel desire again, let me share some ideas how to rebuild that feeling. It probably won't look or feel like it did before, and that's ok. Make sure you go slowly, gently, and without pressure.

1. Forget about sex. Seriously. Don’t make desire a goal to achieve, make it a feeling to cultivate. What makes you feel sensual? Not sexual, necessarily, but embodied? A hot shower where no one interrupts you? Dancing, stretching, moving your body in a way that feels good? Savoring something truly delicious? Start there.
2. Let yourself want without performing. Terry Real talks about how many people, especially women, are taught to view sex as something they give instead of something they experience. If you feel like your partner is expecting sex, it can feel like another task to complete. How can you make your next adult bed time about your pleasure?
3. Talk to your partner. This isn’t a conversation to have in bed while they’re hoping you’ll “get in the mood.” Can you maybe get a sitter and go out for a meal? Talk about it as a team, maybe saying something like: "I see you trying to connect physically. I miss feeling desire, and I want to get back to it, but I need space to reconnect with myself first." Acknowledge that this is also a new experience for them, and discuss ways how you might support one another.
4. Redefine intimacy. Maybe penetrative sex feels miles away. That’s okay. Instead of pushing for something that feels out of reach, focus on what does feel good. Kissing, cuddling without an expectation that it leads to something more, spontaneous text messages with fun memes or "I love yous", little moments of connection throughout the day. Small steps count.

Dear Mama, your desire isn’t gone. It’s just waiting for you to come back to your new self. With patience and empathy, I have no doubt you will.

PS:

These may not be the details you chat about with your friends, but I'd also like to normalize that perineal soreness after a vaginal birth, or recovering from a c-section likely makes touch and intercourse painful. If you tried getting frisky but it caused discomfort, perhaps part of the reason your desire went awol is your body's way to avoid further irritation.

If you're breastfeeding, your estrogen levels will drop. A side effect of low estrogen in people with vulvas is vaginal dryness. If you've never had that before, you might be telling yourself a bunch of stories about what that means, putting you right back into sympathetic activation. May I suggest to simply start using a high-quality lube until your estrogen goes back up? That's what they're there for.

On a related topic, you didn't mention sensitivity about your postpartum body, but let me just note that it's also completely normal for the size, color, or shape of your vulva to change. For some women, it takes a while to get used to seeing their own body look different in so many ways. Have you tried touching yourself for pleasure, to explore your response?

Cheers,

This was another edition of my version of a "Dear Sugar"-esque intimacy and relationship column.

The questions are a mix of case studies from my past and current certification programs, conversations I've had with friends and clients, as well as submissions from this anonymous form I've had up on my socials for a few months now: ​​https://forms.gle/Z5jpSRsjeJ7AZmRd6​​​

Everything is anonymized; I even removed gendered language as much as possible.

If you have a question of your own, you can submit it anonymously on the form, or send me an email with the subject line, "Dear Doris".

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If you've read all the way down here, well done!! :-)

✨NEXT WEEK✨ we'll take a break from the Q&A, because I want to tell you about the APTi Personality Type Community I'm leading! Stay tuned for more info and an invitation to a webinar series about using Type insights in relationships. ❤️