Dear Doris,

I love my partner, and I know they love me too - but if I didn’t initiate, I swear we’d never have sex again. It’s not that they don’t enjoy it when we do, I think, but they never make the first move. At first, I told myself they didn’t realize I wanted them to initiate more. But after countless hints and even pulling back for a week to see if they’d step up (they didn’t), I’m starting to wonder… don't they care about my needs? Am I not attractive anymore? It makes me feel insecure and, honestly, a little resentful. I don’t want to push them, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to beg every time I want to get intimate. How do I get them to meet me halfway?

Help!

Almost losing hope...

--

Dear Almost Losing Hope,

I see you. The person who has to lean in first, reach out first, ask for intimacy first, be vulnerable first, over and over again. This dynamic you’re in right now? It’s frustrating and exhausting.

And I hear the deeper worry beneath your words: Am I just not attractive anymore? Of course you want your partner to want you! This is a tough spot to be in, especially in a monogamous relationship where your partner is supposedly the only person you get to be intimate with. I bet a part of you is also feeling pretty trapped right now.

So what’s going on?

The pattern where one partner takes on the pursuer or “seeker” role, while the other - consciously or unconsciously - becomes the avoider or "gatekeeper", is very common. The more you chase, the more they pull away. This might be for a variety of reasons.

Ellyn Bader’s work with couples shows that many people enter relationships with different ways of expressing and experiencing intimacy. If your partner grew up in a household where desire wasn’t modeled or openly discussed, they may not even realize they’re leaving you out in the cold. They might assume sex “just happens”, not realizing that they might have to take a more active approach.

They might have a generally lower sex drive than you. There is no rulebook on how much desire you're supposed to have, and sometimes - well actually, in the great majority of times - partner libidos are simply not aligned.

Perhaps it's not that your partner doesn’t want sex, but their desire is more responsive than spontaneous. We tend to put many things into one bucket, but there’s a difference between thinking about sex, aka having mental libido, and the physiological part of your body being ready for sex, which is arousal. You mentioned they seem to enjoy it once you get going, which indicates that there is a general willingness to have sex. But not everyone can flip the sexy switch and go anytime, anywhere; many people need to warm up to the idea and then the actual activity.

And let’s not forget the simple truth that some people struggle to initiate because it makes them feel vulnerable. Initiating requires risk - what if I try and get turned down? What if I’m not “doing it right”? What if I ask for something my partner judges me for? If your partner is someone who avoids emotional exposure, initiation might feel too risky.

So what can you do?

First, try stepping back a little again. Not in a game-playing, withholding way, but in a way that creates space for them to step forward. If you always lean in first, they never have to. Let there be a proper space of non-sexual advances and see if they fill it. (Note I’m not saying to stop hugging or touching or kissing at all, but to detach those affections from thinking they should lead to sex).

I know this is counter-intuitive, and you said you've tried this before, but that sounded like you were running a little "test". I'm suggesting you try to stop initiating long enough for your partner to feel like there is absolutely zero pressure for them to have sex. This will require a lot of patience on your part.

But as I've learned from AASECT-certified sex therapist Martha Kauppi, desire cannot bloom in an environment where there's pressure. Why? Because arousal, the physiological part of desire, i.e. your body being ready for sex, lives in our parasympathetic nervous system. That is the system that's responsible for rest and relaxation. If any part of your partner feels like there's pressure to have sex, there's a good chance that relaxation and arousal are out the door. Question for you:

Second, have the difficult conversation. Not in the bedroom, not in the heat of frustration, and definitely not as an accusation. Terry Real would tell you to be direct but invitational:

Make it about what you crave, not what they’re failing at.

And finally, get curious about what turns them on. Not just sexually, but emotionally. Some people don’t initiate because they don’t know how to shift into desire. They don’t have the tools, the mindset, or the sense of permission.

Your relationship deserves a love and desire that moves in both directions. You deserve to feel wanted, not just accepted. Your partner deserves to feel autonomous, not pressured. I can almost guarantee, this isn’t about your attractiveness or desirability. It’s about learning a new dynamic together.

Hugs,

This was another edition of my version of a "Dear Sugar"-esque intimacy and relationship column.

The questions are a mix of case studies from my past and current certification programs, conversations I've had with friends and clients, as well as submissions from this anonymous form I've had up on my socials for a few months now: ​https://forms.gle/Z5jpSRsjeJ7AZmRd6​​

Everything is anonymized; I even removed gendered language as much as possible.

If you have a question of your own, you can submit it anonymously on the form, or send me an email with the subject line, "Dear Doris".