Dear Reader,

Dear Doris,

I love my partner—we laugh together, we’re a great parenting team, and I know I’m lucky to have them. But when they give me, you know, THE LOOK, I feel "meh" at best, and honestly a little "eww" at worst. I used to get butterflies when they touched me, but now, it's more like dodging a chore. What's so frustrating is, I don’t know why! There’s no big fight, no betrayal, nothing I can put my finger on. I want to want them, but I find myself making excuses, going to bed early, or hoping they won’t try anything. Then I feel guilty for pushing them away. I'm bad at faking anything, so I know they know something is going on, but how do you tell your partner you're not attracted to them anymore? I don’t want to lose our relationship, but I also don’t want to keep forcing myself. How do I get that spark back? Or is something broken in me? Help!

Chasing Butterflies

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Dear Chasing Butterflies,

First, let’s get one thing straight: There is nothing wrong with you. Love and desire are not the same thing, and wanting someone, really wanting them, doesn’t automatically come bundled with commitment, security, or even deep affection. In fact, those very things can be the reason desire fades.

Right now, you might be expecting closeness and eroticism to show up at the same time, which is understandable, because most of us are sold the fantasy that they should naturally go hand in hand. But here’s the part romanticism doesn't tell you: desire thrives on space, tension, and mystery. Passion isn’t born from the familiar; it’s sparked by the unknown, by contrast, by the sense that your partner is other than you. As Esther Perel says in her book, Mating in Captivity:

In other words, if you’ve become too close - partners, co-parents, best friends - it might feel like there’s no space left for the spark of attraction.

And let’s talk about guilt for a moment. You want to want them, which means part of you is carrying shame, like you should be feeling something that you aren’t. But shame won’t fix this. Neither will forcing yourself to go through the motions out of obligation. Real desire isn’t about shoulds. It’s about feeling alive.

So what now? First, stop looking for attraction in the same places you’ve already searched. Instead of waiting for the old spark to reignite, you have to move forward into something new. Ask yourself:

Start there. Erotic energy is about so much more than your partner; it’s about your own sense of vitality.

Next, take an honest look at your relationship dynamic.

Couples therapist Ellyn Bader talks about how relationships move in stages, and many couples get stuck in one where they prioritize harmony over individuality (I've written about it here). The more enmeshed you become, the less there is to discover about each other. Try introducing just a little more separation—not emotional distance, but differentiation.

And finally, talk to your partner. Not as a problem to fix, but as an adventure to explore together. Terry Real would tell you that true intimacy requires full respect living alongside full honesty. So be honest. Not in a way that wounds, but in a way that invites: “I want to feel desire again. I want us to bring back the spark, together.” If you're not sure how to go about that, hire a coach to support you.

This isn’t about what’s wrong with you, because there's nothing wrong. It’s about what’s changed. The good news is, you have the opportunity to build something new and exciting going forward, together.

Hugs,

Stay tuned next week where I'll answer a question for someone who's always initiating!