Dear Reader,

​Last week, we talked about how one way dominant extraverted Feeling Types (Fe; ENFJ, ESFJ) may show up authentically is by putting their own needs on the back burner for the sake of keeping a relationship. In other words, attachment often is the authentic choice for Fe Types.

We also mentioned that over-relying on one function is the mark of youth, and can spell the end for a relationship.

Today, I’d like to explore how Type can help you expand your options to show up authentically in a more rounded way by building up a crucial relational skill: differentiation.

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After decades of romantic ideals (You complete me! She’s the one! And they lived happily ever after!), it seems like most relationship advice nowadays is geared towards individuality (Set boundaries! Everyone on the apps is crazy! I’m better off alone!). In my opinion, both are pretty extreme positions, and there’s always room for a little more nuance.

Let’s start by addressing the cultural caveat that comes to mind when considering this question of authenticity vs attachment.

One of the dimensions identified by cross-cultural researchers in the 1980s and 90s is called individualism vs communitarianism. It measures the extent to which a society values independence vs interdependence, and the extent to which it orients itself towards identity vs community.

Broadly speaking, countries in the West and North tend to be higher on the individualist scale, while countries in the South and East skew more communitarian. That doesn’t mean individualistic societies don’t believe in community, they might just be a little smaller. Think nuclear family (parents and siblings) vs extended family (all the generations, uncles, and cousins). There is a lot of variation along the continuum as well, and things can get really muddled for third-culture kids who grow up e.g. in Asian families who emigrated to the West; following their parents’ norms in the home while trying to fit in with their local peers in school.

Individualism and Communitarianism may sound like the cognitive functions of Thinking and Feeling, but they are not the same. So, an especially tricky dilemma to figure out is when your inner desires or Type preferences are out of sync with your outside reality or societal values.

What do I mean by that?

Imagine you and your partner are having an on-again, off-again situation.

If you have a personality type wired for attachment and connection, you’ll be inclined to keep trying. But when you live in a highly individualistic society, your attempts to salvage a romantic relationship may be judged by others as hopeless and a waste of time. These norms tend to create biases that bring up phrases like, “better a fresh start than a stale ending”.

On the other hand, you might have a personality type wired for authenticity and autonomy, and be inclined to cut your losses and move on. But when you live in a culture with communitarian values, your family might pressure you to stay together. Those norms may create biases that bring up phrases like, “a cracked pot still holds water”.

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Under those inside pressures of Type and outside pressures of community stigma, it’s no wonder you feel overwhelmed when a romantic relationship isn’t working the way you hoped it would. If you’re anything like me before I learned about this stuff, you probably think that if only your partner started (or stopped) doing this thing, the relationship would be great.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: it’s not about what they’re doing or not doing. Your relationship will significantly improve once you figure out why their behavior is an issue for you.

Differentiation - what is it, where can it go wrong, and how can you build it

When your goal is to create an authentic and attached/committed/loving relationship, hanging out all the way in attachment or all the way in authenticity is not going to get you there. Here’s the “middle way” that combines the best of both (adapted from Dr. Martha Kauppi):

1. Know your truth​
   What is it that you want and don’t want, independent of what anyone else wants you to want?
2. Share it​
   Can you communicate it to your partner, even though it may be hard for them to hear?
3. Lean in​
   Can you listen and try to understand your partner’s point-of-view, even if what is important to them is difficult for you to hear?

I’m sure you’ve heard of Brené Brown’s research showing that as humans, we are wired for connection. Naturally, then, we tend to associate connection (attachment) with safety, which means setting ourselves apart (authenticity) will automatically introduce anxiety (cf. Murray Brown’s model of family systems https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self).

This makes learning to differentiate a challenging process, but I promise it’s worthwhile.

Gone awry

For many romantic relationships, differentiation happens organically once the honeymoon period is over. At first, you focus on all the things you have in common and how well you fit together. Eventually, you begin to realize that your partner is, in fact, a completely separate person with their own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives that may not agree with yours. You move from a symbiotic state to the negotiation phase of creating your life together.

Many partners get stuck in this phase, and can find themselves in the dreaded pursuer-avoider loop:

An exaggerated focus on attachment (pursuer) would mean you let your partner call all of the shots, something along the lines of “you’re right, I’m wrong, let’s just stay together”. In a co-dependent experience this might also feel like “I’m ok as long as you’re ok”.

An exaggerated focus on authenticity (avoider) would mean you insist on getting your own way all the time, no matter the consequences. The sentiments sound more like “this is who I am, deal with it” and “I’m ok and you’re on your own.”

Sometimes, the mounting tensions eventually bring these partners into coaching, where we can then talk about how to relate to one another differently.

Differentiation and Type

Knowing about the eight functions and each partner’s Type preferences allows me to point out natural areas of compatibility, friction, and developmental potential.

For example, to point 1, knowing your truth, you can develop a deeper awareness here by activating your introverted Feeling (Fi) function.

Fi is all about valuing and evaluating what things mean to us. How they fit into our value system, how right or wrong we think they are, and ultimately, what it is that we really believe in (for a more in-depth exploration, review my posts on the holistic https://www.dorisfullgrabe.com/blog/holistic-introverted-feeling-fi-h-aka-the-romantic-in-relationships or analytic https://www.dorisfullgrabe.com/blog/analytic-introverted-feeling-fi-a-aka-the-quester-in-relationships flavors).

Going back to my example from last week, for a dominant extraverted Feeling Type this will be extremely difficult. We often define ourselves in relation to others, so asking us to see ourselves in a vacuum is nearly impossible. Fi is literally in opposition to our Fe, so we will really only gain better organic access to it during or after midlife - but with awareness, we can start practicing now.

Exercise

Wherever Fi may be in your configuration, you can practice getting in touch with your wants and needs by asking yourself a few times every day, “what is important to me right now?”.

I suggest starting with something small and unrelated to any ongoing conflict. Next time you walk through a grocery store, ask yourself “what do I really feel like eating right now”, or next time you’re lounging on the couch, ask yourself “what kind of movie do I really want to watch right now - do I even want to watch anything or can I take a nap instead?”, that kind of thing.

Ideally, you might even close your eyes and pay attention to any small signals your body might be sending. Is there warmth in your chest around the thought of a piece of cake, or are your shoulders scrunched up at the thought of a movie?

Build the muscle to become aware of what it is you want, and then as much as possible stay with that feeling. Even when you imagine a particular choice, and voices come up and say other people may not agree - see if you can hold steady. Tell your body thank you for sending whatever alert signals you notice. Then reassure your body that you’re ok, that you’re safe, that your life is not in danger. Giving yourself a hug tends to work wonders.

This will help you practice to regulate your emotions around knowing what you want even in the face of opposition. Your parents, your partners, your colleagues, anyone who has a strong emotional reaction to whatever it is you want, with this practice you will be able to plant your feet and say, “and yet, this is true for me.”

Goes without saying that this will be an ongoing practice, and if you’ve had decades of people-pleasing, stepping into your own Fi will take a while to create those new neural pathways. But like I said, it’s definitely worth it.

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Romantic relationships are a dance and a continual back and forth between two or more consenting adults. Instead of getting stuck in the extremes, taking a differentiated approach is rooted in respect and curiosity: “we’re both ok either way, and now let’s see if we can figure this out together.”

Practicing differentiation will strengthen your muscles to start showing up from a place of authenticity, curiosity, and empathy, which is the best basis I know for a loving relationship. As always, using psychological type as a lens provides you with a non-judgmental vocabulary to describe and appreciate one another’s different experiences.

I hope you give this a try, if so, let me know how you get on. And if you’d like to practice with someone safe before maybe having that difficult conversation with your partner, you know where to find me.

Cheers,

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